


Love Of The Loveless

by gloriousdae



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Besides James fuck him, F/M, I use pretty language to give you feelings, M/M, They all need hugs, alexander needs a Hug, sweet nothings, with lots of emphasis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-27
Updated: 2018-05-27
Packaged: 2019-05-14 12:39:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14769786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gloriousdae/pseuds/gloriousdae
Summary: Three years ago, Alexander lost John Laurens. But then he found Maria Reynolds, and he just wants to be good for her, even if he can’t love her and her daughter.





	Love Of The Loveless

He didn’t love her, and he didn’t think he had loved him either.  
He just… he just didn’t love, and he accepted. Maybe in another world he would know how to love, another lifetime, but in this one he just didn’t have it in him.  
He was great at pretending, he was great at forming words just right to make people fall in love with him, but he couldn’t love them back. He had loved once, maybe he really did love him.  
He only knew now he couldn’t love.  
But he could pretend for her sake, he could kiss and cuddle her, and whisper sweet nothings with an emphasis on the nothing.  
—  
Right now he was standing in the hallway of her dingy apartment building, contemplating if he wanted to knock and see her or just leave and go back to his own apartment.  
John had lived in a place like this. Sketchy, terrible neighbors, loud. He loved the thrill of it, hated the practicality and how dysfunctional it was.  
John and Maria were similar, Alexander had come to terms with that early on. Maria and John both were so sweet, just wanted to be held and taken care of and protected. Except John could stand his ground, John was able to live in a dangerous building in a dangerous neighborhood because he could be dangerous. Maria was frail, it didn’t matter what was said about her, deep down she was frail. Frail and would latch on anyone who gave her a sense of security, no matter how false it was.  
Alexander tried to be real for the young woman, tried to be up front, and god he tried to break it off so many times.  
She was seven years younger than him, John had been two years older. But she was only twenty-two, and sometimes Alexander really hated that, but he could live with it. He could. Or at least, that’s what he told himself.  
He can live with it because he rather she be with him than go to the ex that knocked her up and then knocked her out.  
He can live with it because she’s sweet and she loves him and he doesn’t have anything better.  
John is gone, so until she finds someone who will take better care of her, Alexander will stay.  
Suddenly the door was opened, Alexander looked over, saw the young woman, saw his girlfriend. She held her toddler on her hip, and she looked exhausted.  
So today would be a take care of Susan kind of day. Which was fine, Alexander quite enjoyed playing with the little girl, felt a sort of fondness for her.  
“Hey, sorry I’m here a bit late, Jefferson wanted to go over some things with me.” Alexander says as he stepped over, gently took the little girl, a few months shy of her second birthday.  
Susan hadn’t really started talking yet, but she cooed happily when Alexander took her, and he decided that was enough.  
“It’s alright, James is coming to pick her up in about an hour, can you just take her? Like to your place? I don’t want him to have her.” Maria says as she gently took Alexander’s sleeve, pulled her inside.  
“You know I can’t do that, it’s his week with her, you have a legal custody agreement.”  
“Don’t start with that, I don’t care if it’s legal, look.” She took out her phone, fumbled for a moment and then showed Alexander a picture of Susan, a large bruise on her somewhat pale left arm.  
“Me!” The little girl says loudly, tried to snatch the phone but it was tossed to the bed. It was a small apartment, only two rooms(bathroom, everything else), not fit for a mother and a daughter.  
“He did that to her. He hurt my little girl. He doesn’t want her, you’re more a father to her than he is. Please, just take her home with you, I’ll pay you, I have a little money tucked away, only a twenty I think, but I’ll pay you, please.”  
“I’ll take her.” Alexander says simply, had a small smile as he saw Maria completely relax. “But this is the last time, you need to show someone of importance these pictures.”  
“They won’t believe me.”  
“It’s hard to take a bruise that bad. Just get her things ready. Has she eaten?”  
“No, I haven’t got groceries, but I can find something.”  
“No need, I’ll go to the store.”  
“Thank you, Alexander.” And then she kissed him, quick, just a peck, just to show her gratitude.  
Alexander gave a small sound of agreement and then went and sat on the edge of the bed, bounced his leg that Susan was seated on and smiled as she giggled.  
—  
An hour later and Susan was sleeping in Alexander’s bed. He covered her with a thin throw blanket, made a makeshift nest like thing around her with his comforter so she wouldn’t fall out.  
Alexander sat at this small kitchen table, writing. He had taken an old notebook out and was just jotting down thoughts.  
And god he realized in moments like these just how much he missed John. Moments where he had to be careful about every little thing he did. John would help, with John there wouldn’t even be a toddler to take care of.  
Alexander shook his head, it had been two years, almost three, there was no reason Alexander should be this upset.  
He died nearly three years ago, and yet here he was.  
Here was Alexander, now resting his head on the notebook, crying into the page. Softly, but crying nonetheless. He couldn’t still be upset about this, he told himself. He couldn’t love John still, not when he was gone.  
And he couldn’t bring himself to love Maria when he was still crying over John.  
Suddenly, a tap on his arm.  
“Alex!” The toddler announces, poked him again, more jabbing him. So he sat up, wiped his face easily and put on a little smile, one that would be believable to a child.  
“Hey Suzy, you need something?”  
“Mama!”  
“Come here,” Alexander scooted his chair out, pulled the little girl to be on his lap.  
He held some pride in the fact that he could get the little girl to talk when even her parents couldn’t, but it wasn’t love, he knew that. He knew very well that he wouldn’t be able to love this child, and his fondness and pride for her was as far as it would go.  
“Your mama had to do some work, so Alex is taking care of Suzy.” He says slowly, earned a hum of agreement from her. “How about a movie.” He says, stood up and held the little girl close.  
“Snack!”  
“Alright, snack, and then movie. Nemo?”  
“Dory!”  
Two bowls of goldfish later and Susan was asleep on Alexander’s lap. She was curled up so perfectly, in a way she fit there like a puzzle piece.  
—  
Somedays, Alexander thought he might be able to love Susan and Maria, and other days the idea of it was too much. He couldn’t love them, it felt like he was betraying John sometimes.  
They never broke up. That’s what really hurt Alexander, they never broke up. They were going on their second year of dating and sixth year of friendship, and they never broke up but John still left him. It wasn’t John’s fault, he was at the wrong place at the wrong time. He was following the rules (a rare thing for him) and that ended up killing him.  
It was a car crash. Alexander remembered running out of his work and down the three blocks to the hospital. In too much of a rush to drive, in too much of a panic to drive, after that too scared to drive.  
John was awake and alive after an hour, and Alexander went and sat with him, kissed him gently and lovingly, held his hand as tight as he could, whispered sweet nothings with the emphasis on sweet, made sure John knew just how loved he was.  
Alexander was given the okay by a nurse, was told he could sit in bed with him, hold John. And he did, he held him so close. And John fell asleep and Alexander didn’t let go, just held him close, John fit against his chest like a puzzle piece, and then John stopped. John died there, some head injury and internal bleeding or something, Alexander didn’t listen well and he never had the guts to ask a nurse to repeat themselves.  
They never broke up, and that’s why Alexander couldn’t love Maria and Susan.  
—  
Alexander’s phone rang during the credits of the movie, and he answered it quickly, spoke quietly.  
“Hello, this is Hamilton.”  
“You’re Maria Reynolds’ current boyfriend, is that right?”  
“It is.”  
“She was found dead at her apartment and her daughter is missing.”  
Alexander went silent for a few moments, just to process what he was being told.  
“I have her daughter. What’s the cause of death?”  
“She overdosed, her ex husband found her.”  
“Where should I bring Susan?”  
“Bring her to her father as soon as you can.”  
And then Alexander hung up, put the phone down beside him and looked at the little girl, barely a toddler, only a baby, curled up in his lap fitting there so perfectly.  
He’d bring her to James once she woke up.  
Alexander knew Maria would never kill herself, but he knew no one would really believe that it was staged, that James did it. So he would have to return the kid, and this was the last time he had to see her. He’d never have to worry about her again.  
Besides, it’s not like he loved them.

**Author's Note:**

> Comment how this made you feel and take a shot every time you feel pain


End file.
